1. Pick Your Bohemian Avatar

1. Your dentist says you need a root canal and it will be quite expensive. You …
1. offer to play music, juggle or draw caricatures at your dentist’s son’s bar mitzvah.
2. go through several bottles of Ambesol until the tooth falls out.
3. make monthly visits to the dentist for cleaning, etc., so dental overhauls are not necessary.
4. tell the dentist that you’re sure your toxic old fillings are your real problem, but since the planet Mercury is in retrograde it’s not a good time to start.
5. offer to redecorate the waiting room.

2. You’re on a road trip with friends and have run out of food. You …
1. help yourself to nature’s bounty – fruit from an orchard, corn from a field, etc.
2. pawn your guitar, great-uncle’s pocket watch, etc., in the nearest town.
3. work at a soup kitchen or local ashram in return for food.
4. polish off what’s left in the flask and keep driving until you get to a fine restaurant where you order the most expensive entrée on the menu and the finest Champagne. Then thank the waiter for a lovely meal and impeccable service and make your exit, acting as though you’ve left cash and a handsome tip in the billfold.
5. would never let this happen, so you pay for everyone.

3. Driving with friends, you’re pulled over for speeding and have no driver’s license. You …
1. hide the pot and give the officer your friend’s license.
2. tell the officer you’ve had quite a hectic day at country auctions and to please, please pick something out of the back of the vehicle and forget about this silly thing.
3. if the vehicle is “borrowed,” wait until the officer gets out of the car and approaches you and then floor it.
4. ask the officer where you can get a pair of those cool boots.
5. start chanting.

4. You’re about to be evicted for nonpayment of rent. You …
1. call your dealer, publisher, aunt, great-aunt, anyone, everyone, for an “advance,” because you can’t bear to move all your stuff again.
2. are packed up before the notice even arrives.
3. hold a rent party.
4. think, No problem. By the time this goes to court you’ll be in Tibet.
5. must have forgotten when you were making that documentary film in the Middle East for a few months.

5. You move from Portland, Maine, to New York City to paint for a month and discover a rat in your basement studio. You …
1. a basement studio? Are you kidding? This would never happen. No, thank you.
2. move your sleeping bag to your worktable.
3. feed it, get it a running wheel and learn to live together.
4. figure you must be hallucinating and pay it no mind.
5. think, How exciting, I must be in New York. This experience can only enhance your creativity, and you start to keep a journal.

6. It’s 7:30 in the morning and the bell rings. You …
1. assume it’s the police or the landlord and don’t answer.
2. get out of bed and answer the door in the nude.
3. are still meditating, and think, life is all about tests, and decide to let it go.
4. put on a smoking jacket or kimono, take a quick glance in the mirror and run hands through hair before answering.
5. think what a mistake it was to have booked a shiatsu appointment when you were at a party till 5:00am.

7. You’re feeling depressed. You …
1. take advantage of the angst and paint a tortured self-portrait.
2. play melodramatic music, e.g. Jean Sibelius’ Finlandia and Gustav Mahler’s Das Lied von der Erde, and systematically drain all the decanters.
3. drink the leftover red wine, get the razor blade and scissors and dramatically alter your appearance in the bathroom mirror.
4. forget tofu and brown rice. Hello, fast food and chocolate!
5. struggle between rescuing animals at the shelter and a shopping spree at Christie’s Oriental erotic art auction.

8. Your vehicle overheats and you find yourself next to a lake. You …
1. go skinny-dipping, play a little music, and maybe camp out there for the night.
2. realize there are no mistakes and decide to listen to the cicadas and watch the bulrushes wave rhythmically in the wind until the car cools.
3. get water from the lake for the radiator and get back on the road, for chrissake!
4. seek the most majestic house on the lake and ask for coolant for the vehicle and rye for your flask.
5. enjoy the smoked salmon, open the Pouilly Fumé, and wait for road service.

9. You can’t sleep. You …
1. drink some red wine, smoke some hash, and sketch the person sleeping in your bed.
2. fire up a pot of coffee and rehearse your monologue loudly enough to wake up your roommate so you have someone to talk to. If you do not have a roommate, get out the typewriter or play your guitar.
3. light some incense, put on a CD of The Eternal Music of Nature, and go online to check out airfares to all your dream destinations from India to the Himalayas.
4. start polishing the silver plate you picked up at the flea market. That’s bound to put you to sleep.
5. call other proven insomniacs and invite them out for drinks. Either that or finally start your memoirs.

10. You’re at a new job and you get a call that you have to be at an audition in an hour. You …
1. say nothing and vanish.
2. photocopy a hundred of your résumés, poems, etc., then tell your manager your father is dying and you have to go to the hospital.
3. disable your screensaver, position a full cup of chai on your desk, rub your laughing Buddha and trust the universe that no one will notice your absence.
4. tell your boss you feel an “onset of the spleen” and need to see your physician at once.
5. request a leave of absence for the rest of the day. If questioned or denied, resign.

11. Your idea of breakfast is …
1. leftover caviar, poached eggs, crêpes Suzette.
2. coffee and a cigarette.
3. ProGreens or Hawaiian spirulina with filtered water followed by leftover brown rice with soymilk, cinnamon, and nutmeg.
4. tin of smoked oysters and a pot of Lapsang Souchong Sample toast, two-day-old brioche or old fortune cookies as available.
5. smoked trout if you have your own smokehouse. Otherwise, stewed apples you picked from an orchard or anything as long as you’re not paying.

ANSWERS:

1. a. Gypsy; b. Beat; c. Nouveau; d. Zen; e. Dandy
2. a. Gypsy; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Dandy; e. Nouveau
3. a. Beat; b. Dandy; c. Gypsy; d. Nouveau; e. Zen
4. a. Dandy; b. Gypsy; c. Beat; d. Zen; e. Nouveau
5. a. Dandy; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Gypsy; e. Nouveau
6. a. Gypsy; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Dandy; e. Nouveau
7. a. Beat; b. Dandy; c. Gypsy; d. Zen; e. Nouveau
8. a. Gypsy; b. Zen; c. Beat; d. Dandy; e. Nouveau
9. a. Gypsy; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Dandy; e. Nouveau
10. a. Gypsy; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Dandy; e. Nouveau
11. a. Nouveau; b. Beat; c. Zen; d. Dandy; e. Gypsy

I’ve taken this quiz several times, which is from “The Bohemian Manifesto”, and once again, I land firmly in the Zen and Gypsy categories with a bit of Dandy thrown in here and there. At heart, I must be a hippie getting back to my gypsy roots.